FUN – Enjoy it
FIT – It’s a way to keep fit
FRIENDS – He makes good friends and socializes.
Is it because you or he wants him to be a footballer? I’ve got two sons. The older has 4 basic attributes which mean that possibly; ‘possibly’ he could have a chance. He wants to be a footballer also. I would never shatter his dreams and I want them to reach for the stars. However i'm a realist. I have lived in pain every day because of football and am involved in the game at professional level. So I have personally experienced a lot of the good and bad in the game. I studied parent behavior and through incidents that happened I wrote to the FA but got nothing back. So then I did a study with some parent research using a voting system that allowed anonymous answers.
I asked 30 parents. Do you think your son could be a doctor? One of the thirty answered yes. I then asked. Do you think your son could be a footballer? 19 of them answered yes.
I then shared with them two things. The earning potential of footballers based on current average salaries which show clearly that the championship and premiership players are earning vast amounts which will secure their future. However the next three divisions below were actually quite low which coupled with the volatile risky nature of the sport puts the player in a weak position. All of that of course is all assuming the player is picked, gets new contracts and remains fit then he may earn for 15 years.
So, to me it shows that whilst I can say to my lad, go and be whatever you want to be, make sure you work hard at school also. Because your 40x more likely to be a doctor than a footballer. FACT.
As for my other lad, he has a personality to die for. He enjoys life and plays sport the same way. He isn’t really too fussed about winning and loosing. Is that a bad thing?
He plays for FUN, FIT & FRIENDS. Not for Football and certainly not to be a footballer. I love that, it’s great. His team is not great, low division and on the whole the parents and the manager all enjoy the morning out in a sporting way. Yet, still the football disease was on display yesterday morning. I had the rare pleasure of a day off from my pro club. So looked forward to seeing him. He was sub, not a problem. Its math’s, 15 into 11 doesn’t go. But he will get his run around and fun. I always try and stand back away from everyone, because I know, comments wind me up. So I stood 15 yards or so further back.
Very quickly, I can feel myself getting aggravated by the behavior of the opposition manager. He is kicking every ball, smoking nervously. He is marching up and down the sideline like a demented soldier. He calls the ref constantly, “reeerf, that’s a foul” reerf, reeerf. I’m thinking just leave the kid alone. His kids make a mistake. “oi, c’mon”. Everything is negative, not once did he clap his hands or say “well done”. Neither did he give them any actual technical or tactical information. Just shouting at them like it’s a premier league survival game. Twice a player went down injured, one of them a head injury and he moans at the ref for stopping the game, because he thought his team could score or take advantage.
He’s not on his own; some parents are chipping in as well. Suddenly every one is a coach and everyone definitely wants to win! One of the parents is gripping his head after a near miss. Wow, this game really means something to them. I’m thinking, all I can see is my lad smile when he does something good and shrugs his shoulders when he makes a mistake. I don’t need to tell him, he dreamt of scoring like his hero not tripping over the ball. So why do I need to tell him when he’s made a mistake. Plus I would never get the chance because two other parents are quick to point it out as they have awarded themselves the roles of assistant coaches. I’m willing to bet that they have never played football to any reasonable level!
Anyway, despite this I bite my lip, even with my wife saying “I really wish they would stop having a go at him”. Don’t worry I said, I will tell him after to not listen. But I can see him looking and it having a negative effect on him. Then, they concede a goal. Their manager punches the air. I remember doing that when gazza lifted the ball over Hendry and slotted home for England. They are games which make my heart race. I just don’t have the same adrenalin level for a youth amateur division 3 game.
My lad turns to go back and the scorer trips over his foot. Sorry he says, bending down to pick him up. We just chuckled and so did the kids. But their manager was not so impressed and proceeded to bark at my son. “Oi, you. I’m not having that, reeeerrf, sort him out, he should be booked”. So, now the reaction, “mate, leave him alone. Number 1 it’s an accident number 2 he’s my son and I don’t like you shouting at him, he’s 11”. It’s easy to give my version but its true, I still wasn’t angry, didn’t raise my voice, just said that. He reacted violently, “Who do you think you are you f*cking twat”? I said “well I work for a pro club and my advice to you is your attitude and behavior is over the top. I have stood here for an hour listening to you hurl abuse at your players and the ref, but I draw the line when you do it my lad”.
We went mental, I straight away thought, oh no. Here we go. So I just tried to settle it down and chucked in some humor. But now his mates were having a go with the usual. With threats and swearing. I just stood there, hands in pockets facing the pitch. It carried on. So, regretfully I reacted, in the way I know best. Banter. “Have you played football mate?” “yeah, the dog and duck, premier league” I just laughed and went exactly, that explains it mate. So, he lost the banter. Then he totally lost it, went back to his name calling and I just stood away, hands in pockets thinking, this guy is nuts and should not be around kids. He walks on the pitch, calls to the ref, the other manager. I am now thinking oh my god. He has lost the plot. He then says he is going to… make a complaint, about me! Really?
I just laughed, but didn’t comment. Remained quiet to kill the situation. But, after I mulled it over. I thought, this is a mess. Total mess. This guy will have his badge, he would have been to courses. But when the whistle blows it goes out the window. He thinks it’s the champions league final.
I’m annoyed that he tried to claim to be the victim but creating a scene. Which was embarrassing. Then saying he was going to make a complaint. I’m not fussed about that, because in any situation, any Dad is going to defend his children and I make no apologies. Although I did regret even having dialogue with the guy.
There was another game on the field. U13’s that one. This one was a top of the table clash. I watched a bit. The same problem. Constant negativity and bad energy being delivered by the ‘coach’. The ref being constantly questioned. Then, inevitably, a dad takes offence to something shouted at his lad and reacts. Next minute there are 20 parents in a standoff. Unbelievable.
The afternoon my other son played. I took myself away so that I couldn’t hear anything, as I always do. But still I could hear the ref coming under attack from the coaches. I don’t think they realize it. I think they think it’s acceptable because they see it on match of the day.
The trouble is, this is happening constantly. My mistake is sometimes I have reacted to it with the same result. When I ran the team I once asked the coach to ‘please leave the ref alone’. He was a 15 year old lad and the boy had tears in his eyes. This guy was a big bruiser. I said, “You’re scaring the lad mate”. Funny, that resulted in a similar reaction of venom and anger. He stood on my toes and threatened to beat me to a pulp. Last season I went to watch my older boy, he fouled someone. It happens. Ref gave a free kick, well done ref. My lad apologies and shakes the boy’s hand. Their manager/coach/physio runs on the pitch, diverts past my lad. Waves his finger in his face and says “You better not do that again or else”! My lad nearly burst into tears!
So the memories keep coming of all those experiences. A player, in a standoff with one of mine, spat at my player in the face. Arguably the most despicable thing you can do on a sport pitch. I assumed they would sub him. They didn’t. So I said to the guy, if that was one of my lads I would take him off and if it was my son I would stop him playing football altogether! He called my pro club and complained.
I feel so passionately about this disease in our youth football. It’s stopping the kids enjoying it and the better ones are not being developed. The FA courses, charter standards etc don’t work. Because a lot of this behavior comes from those. But for me, I seriously doubt if I can go watch my son at this level again. Because I love watching him play for those three things. FUN, FIT, FRIENDS. But this is not shared by the people watching it. I am even thinking about asking him if he really wants to play. Maybe there is a nicer sport that matches his personality.
But what can we do about this sickness, what causes it? I’m too outspoken and clearly in the heat of the moment it’s not wise to address it with the individual as they are so pumped up it just results in aggression. But these people are killing our game. They need to understand the damage they are doing. I think it does come from parents seeing the glamour of the premier league and wanting a slice of it. Also, it comes from seeing the display of managers in the premier league and thinking they have the same pressure to win.
But they go on the courses at the FA, so why does it not work? I have written to Bedfordshire FA years ago with my feelings and actually met them. But no more was done. Well we cannot brush this under the carpet. I want this to change and am interested to know from other coaches if they feel the same or actually they think its fine.
I have a couple of solution ideas. One would be to survey players. Anonymously. I think the FA should get all players to answer some simple straight forward questions. Per team. So that it highlights to the coach and parents how they actually feel and if they enjoy it.
Secondly I would get teams to go to pro clubs. I don’t see any of this behavior at my club and not my previous pro club. Parents are supportive and the set up/discipline is such that they don’t become an issue. No, it’s not perfect. I can recall one certain team who had a coach shouting at the ref. But in two years that is one! Overall the game is set up, well organized and the coach’s remarks are all around technical & tactical development. Two weeks ago one of our players swore at the ref. We immediately subbed him. This is compared to my seeing 3 games yesterday and all three had issues. I think that club managers should come in and see that at the top level, it’s a much more pleasant experience. Which ironically is where there is more pressure. Surely it would be the other way round?
I think all club managers/coaches/parents need to stop and listen to themselves. Get an invite to their local club and go and watch the game, watch the players, watch the coaches. Maybe that would make them think?
Either way, something has to change. Because this disease is spreading fast!
Tony McCool
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